Most of our lives are already hectic enough with raising children, building careers or business, church and social activities or maintaining friendships. Each day we face incessant demands on our time and lives. But we cannot escape the reality that as we grow older we have to cope with our aging parents or relatives who may seek our assistance.
Although getting old does not necessary imply poor health, nevertheless we must realize that as one grows older they are exposed to a greater risk of injury, illness, and lengthy recuperation. Should a mishap occurs, quite often the question of who cares for them comes down to the person who is most willing, capable or convenient. Can your family handle such drastic adjustment? What are the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of the senior adult and the rest of the family members? When should we begin talking about such issues? Do you think it is necessary to work out some practical solutions on tackling the needs if it happens?
As caring children we do recognize that there are important issues relating to our parent’s well-being that will need to be acted upon. Discussing issues concerning housing, legal and financial matters may be difficult to initiate and sustain. A word of caution, as children we need to be very sensitive on how we handle these issues as they may turn out unpleasant or disastrous results. There is no guarantee these issues will be well received. I believe that if they are properly and sincerely handled, motivated by love and genuine concern for them, misunderstandings and uncertainties are less likely to get in the way of the good of everyone in the family. It must always be carried out in Christ-honoring way. Seek WISDOM when discussion these issues with your parents.
Allow me to share my thoughts and ideas to initiate discussion on these difficult topics. I do hope that in the midst of such crises you have considered the issues earlier and more prepared to face them.
Why discussing these topics can be difficult.
In my opinion, this difficulty is not limited to our parents only. It has to do with us also. These are some of the reasons I can think of,
1. "You don't understand, my father has the final say in everything"
How can I initiate this discussion? My mother is always the treasurer in our family. My father, you can say anything worthwhile but he quickly formed his opinion and gave his final judgment. I agree with you that since young I watched my parents handled their own affairs and they actually managed them quite well. Now that they are aging and I have matured, I believe I have gained wisdom through the years to communicate something to them for their good.
2. "I never had good parent-child relationships with them"
In some cases unhealed emotional scars has developed over the years. These wounds will stand as barriers to a meaningful discussion. I then suggest that you begin the process to restore this beautiful reconciliation parent-child relationship. Seek counsel and help if necessary. Prayer is powerful, include prayer in the process of reconciliation. If this relationship is not mended , it would be a very sad departure. You may live to regret that when you have the power to reconcile, you failed to grab the opportunity. I strongly suggest that you seek to settle any unresolved issues of the past with your parents. Forgiveness heals many deep wounds. First and foremost, it is necessary to allow God to heal old wounds before dealing with the issues at hand. Look for the good in them and you will not be disappointed. Look for their shortcomings and you will have plenty to complain.
3. "Well, I can wait till my father is ‘nearing the end’"
Some of the topics mentioned earlier are not easy to deal with. I am only speculating the various possibilities. Some may never occur at all. My major concern circle around issues when parent suffered a loss of independence. There is a changing of roles. You become a "Care Giver". To care for a senile person is extremely demanding. My father started losing his memory in his mid sixty. It gets worse and worse, until finally he lost his memory completely. He cannot recall my name even though he has been living with me for more than 10 years. The loss of memory took away the pain in his body as he struggle with cancer before he passed away. Caring for my father is extremely demanding to me and the entire family members. My father has very little possessions in his name. So, when he died, I do not have to struggle settling any remaining legal issues such as estate distribution, will and other matters. Your situation may be different from mine.
To many elderly persons, the ideas of separation, loss of independence, or helplessness are fearsome and frightening. The suggestion to sell the house whom they called home for the last many years and move to another location, even the thought of staying with you can mean loss of independence or a loss of identity or helplessness. I am convinced that you should not wait till your parent is ‘nearing the end’ before having these issues considered and discussed.
Discussion on treatment options in the event of serious illness raises the “what-ifs” of medical technologies and institutionalization that everyone prays that will never experience. As I mentioned earlier, it is to prepare us better just in case if it happens and trusting God that it will never happened.
4. "No point discussing with my mom and dad. They are so rigid and incompetent"
Many people have the wrong perception that as a man grows older he is more set in his ways. I don't think it is true that age makes a man more stubborn. Well, there are stubborn "old people" and equally true, the young people can also be very stubborn. I am sure you do meet with some. Another misconception that is going around is that they are cranky, easily upset, or the opposite: sad, passive, over dependent. According to research, emotional patterns are rather consistent throughout life. My advice is, do not use these as our excuse for avoiding this important discussion. Do not think that elderly people is incompetent, that they cannot manage their own affairs, or make decisions that are in their own best interest.
Do not fear having a frank loving discussion with Mom or Dad in its appropriate time. Again I must mention, WISDOM is the key. You may fear that it might hurt her if you talk about these things, thinking about “the end”. Personally, I don’t think so. Perhaps they might be wondering about why their children act as if the end of life is not a reality. I believe the earlier this discussion is held, the greater the number of options that may be or become available. Do be sensitive about their superstitions and beliefs. Maybe your parents are not Christians and my advice remains the same, be sensitive to their needs and perceptions of things around them. Show them the proper respect. Do not just push you thoughts and agenda to them. If they are not ready to discuss, allow them time to think through.
